In an old farmhouse, a dumb blonde was cooking in her kitchen when suddenly, the grease caught fire.
Panicking, she ran to the living room, got the cell phone out of her purse and dialed 9-1-1.
Before the operator could even speak, the dumb blonde screamed, "Come quick! My kitchen's on fire!" and quickly hung up the phone and put it back in her purse.
A few moments later, the fire had completely engulfed the kitchen; and was spreading into the living room.
Once again, the dumb blonde ran to her purse, grabbed the cell phone; and dialed 9-1-1.
Again, before the operator could even speak, the dumb blonde screamed, "Come quick! the fire's in my living room now!" and quickly hung up the phone and put it back in her purse.
By this time, she was being overtaken with smoke; so she grabbed her purse and ran to the bedroom. As the fire was getting closer, she, once again, grabbed her cell phone, dialed 9-1-1 and screamed into it.
"You idiots! You're letting my house burn down! Come get me out of here before I die!"
The lady on 9-1-1 interrupted and said, "Wait a minute! How do we get there?"
The dumb blonde paused for a second....
Then said, "Duh...Big Red Truck!" and hung up.
Fire Department Report: Found unused fire extinguisher 2 ft from stove
5/29/09
Idiot Alert
Sent to me in an Email
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn 't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept hi s stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the pol ice department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy........
But you still get a sign .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy is making signs in prison
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, here's your sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I live in a semi-rural area. ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ) We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
I think we'll give her the Deer Crossing sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)
STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they breed... and they VOTE!!!
Today's Blue Ribbon Guru - Mack Michaels - Check it out!
.
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn 't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept hi s stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the pol ice department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy........
But you still get a sign .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy is making signs in prison
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, here's your sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I live in a semi-rural area. ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ) We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
I think we'll give her the Deer Crossing sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)
STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they breed... and they VOTE!!!
Today's Blue Ribbon Guru - Mack Michaels - Check it out!
.
Why Men Don't Make Good Advice Columnists
Dear Bill,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back.
But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Susie Fox
Bill's Helpful Advice:
Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks.. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Bill
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back.
But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Susie Fox
Bill's Helpful Advice:
Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks.. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Bill
These are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
***********************************************************************************
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!
***********************************************************************************
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
***********************************************************************************
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
***********************************************************************************
And the winner is.........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on t he way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police
.
Husband Down
'
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price..."
On the PA system: "Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down."
.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price..."
On the PA system: "Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down."
.
5/28/09
Hillbilly Birth Control
'
After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative..." said the doctor, "...is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it...put it in a beer can... then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The hillbilly said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , West Virginia
....and Washington DC.
.
After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative..." said the doctor, "...is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it...put it in a beer can... then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The hillbilly said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , West Virginia
....and Washington DC.
.
5/27/09
Police Officers' Prank
Who says Police Officers don't have a sense of humor? Watch as these guys deliver some disturbing news to their victims.
The Ripped Pants
Caution: This video is NOT meant for children.
These people had too much time on their hands...and thought they'd brighten someone's day... Enjoy!
.
.
I'm a member of a private money making society online. Want to join me?
These people had too much time on their hands...and thought they'd brighten someone's day... Enjoy!
.
.
I'm a member of a private money making society online. Want to join me?
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